YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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