my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
