Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
