She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
