Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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