I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
