Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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