i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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