have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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