Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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