everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm at about main and main street
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I want a musical about memes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
