i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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