If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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