dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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