you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
