Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
