this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
