I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
