Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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