We're like a lot better than the average bears
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
