well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
