I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
