i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
