Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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