my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
