I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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