when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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