alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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