1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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