She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
