I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
