don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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