dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
