Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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