Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
