you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
