I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
