It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
