I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I need to sanitize my soul.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
