I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
