She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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