i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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