Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
