when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
