in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
