Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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