I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
