dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
