Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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