when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
